11-24-2017, 01:02 AM
Hi Persadia
Liked the first stanza, sketches the scene well
(salmon in a small pond is a strong image)
- though you could trim a little (as in):
Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The single line stanzas seem almost random, and for me, out of place.
The fourth verse, doesn't work for me at all.
The change in tone and the lack of any distinctive
images make it rather unengaging.
The first verse with a different title (along the thanksgiving lines)
works well and stands up without the rest of the piece.
Best, Knot
Liked the first stanza, sketches the scene well
(salmon in a small pond is a strong image)
- though you could trim a little (as in):
Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The single line stanzas seem almost random, and for me, out of place.
The fourth verse, doesn't work for me at all.
The change in tone and the lack of any distinctive
images make it rather unengaging.
The first verse with a different title (along the thanksgiving lines)
works well and stands up without the rest of the piece.
Best, Knot