11-23-2017, 09:35 AM
Hi, Persadia
I'm glad you wrote a poem about this. Weird I have been thinking a lot about an illustration I saw where a fella is riding in a train and when looking out one side of the train's windows, it was gloomy and sad. The bloke's face was sagging and depressed. Then it showed him looking out the other side of the train, the sun was shining, green leaves, birds, and rivers flowing. His face was bright and beaming in smiles. That's what your poem reminded me of, which side of the train do we want to sit on/look out?
Open the door, room crammed with furniture -opening the door, the room is crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond -people pack in,
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture -on and off
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. -can these next two lines form a couplet?
The life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings. -two warms?
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air. -plural on conversation might fit better
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Looking forward to seeing where you go with this clever poem that has a great potential to also serve as a helpful blessing to others.
-nibbed
I'm glad you wrote a poem about this. Weird I have been thinking a lot about an illustration I saw where a fella is riding in a train and when looking out one side of the train's windows, it was gloomy and sad. The bloke's face was sagging and depressed. Then it showed him looking out the other side of the train, the sun was shining, green leaves, birds, and rivers flowing. His face was bright and beaming in smiles. That's what your poem reminded me of, which side of the train do we want to sit on/look out?
Open the door, room crammed with furniture -opening the door, the room is crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond -people pack in,
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture -on and off
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. -can these next two lines form a couplet?
The life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings. -two warms?
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air. -plural on conversation might fit better
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Looking forward to seeing where you go with this clever poem that has a great potential to also serve as a helpful blessing to others.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love