11-21-2017, 11:25 PM
Hi Richard
Enjoyed this, liked the narrative structure and there are some great images.
I don't think it is quite as sharp/concise as it might be,
but the revision is an improvement on the original.
Sunday School
I
Wine sipped in an unlit room,
(perhaps 'A sip of...
also...a room of shadows?)
to spill any is a sin.
(an onanism reference?)
The bottle shapes liquid
like a good parent should.
I think there's a slight jump from L2 to L3
don't think you need 'should'.
Father, where are the others?
Father, what's that?
Questions asked like a child.
Don't think this line is necessary.
II
Silence gives answers I'd rather ignore,
darkness tries to offer absolution,
but then dreams convert to memories:
He used to leer at me.
Unnecessary
My blonde hair flowed through his fingers
like gold at the end of a rainbow.
My tears the rain that ruined it,
very good.
their anger thunder without lightning.
don't think this line quite works.
The light comes on, flickering like his stutter,
excellent.
salvation a lie my parents sold me
so they could buy a paper from their priest.
(perhaps, my belief bought them a paper...)
Good line but not sure it's in the right place.
III
I became a snowflake
in spring,
pushed away
by god's breath,
surrounded by those
who only cared
about their descent.
The ground
where I belong.
IV
The wine burns now.
(liked 'the whole way down' in the original)
After so many years
(given N's hair is white, the passage of years is sufficiently implied)
there is staining,
my hair is white,
(did wonder about 'silver' following on from 'gold')
untouched.
- I think the salvation couplet would work better here -
Unanswered prayers buried beneath grass,
their bodies rotted, unrecognizable.
The idea works, not sure about the burial metaphor for 'prayers'
(perhaps 'cries')
though it does seems slightly overwritten
More years pass before I find the right words
Not keen on the repetition of 'years', perhaps
it has taken me so long...
to tell someone about the corpses,
the ways of childhood finally behind me.
end on 'corpses' I think, this last line lacks punch.
Cut 'n paste suggestion:
I
[A sip of wine,] an unlit room,
to spill any is a sin.
Father, where are the others?
The bottle shapes liquid
like a good parent.
Father, what [is] that?
[B]londe hair flowed through his fingers,
[the] gold at the end of [the] rainbow.
[T]ears [fell as] rain, ruined [everything],
anger thunder without lightning.
I became a snowflake in spring,
pushed away by god's breath,
The light comes on,
flickering like his stutter.
II
The wine burns now
the whole way down
[and there are stains]
My hair is white, untouched.
[I buried all my prayers],
unrecogniz[ed], unanswered.
[It has taken me so long]
to tell [anyone] about the corpses.
Hope this helps
Best, Knot
Enjoyed this, liked the narrative structure and there are some great images.
I don't think it is quite as sharp/concise as it might be,
but the revision is an improvement on the original.
Sunday School
I
Wine sipped in an unlit room,
(perhaps 'A sip of...
also...a room of shadows?)
to spill any is a sin.
(an onanism reference?)
The bottle shapes liquid
like a good parent should.
I think there's a slight jump from L2 to L3
don't think you need 'should'.
Father, where are the others?
Father, what's that?
Questions asked like a child.
Don't think this line is necessary.
II
Silence gives answers I'd rather ignore,
darkness tries to offer absolution,
but then dreams convert to memories:
He used to leer at me.
Unnecessary
My blonde hair flowed through his fingers
like gold at the end of a rainbow.
My tears the rain that ruined it,
very good.
their anger thunder without lightning.
don't think this line quite works.
The light comes on, flickering like his stutter,
excellent.
salvation a lie my parents sold me
so they could buy a paper from their priest.
(perhaps, my belief bought them a paper...)
Good line but not sure it's in the right place.
III
I became a snowflake
in spring,
pushed away
by god's breath,
surrounded by those
who only cared
about their descent.
The ground
where I belong.
IV
The wine burns now.
(liked 'the whole way down' in the original)
After so many years
(given N's hair is white, the passage of years is sufficiently implied)
there is staining,
my hair is white,
(did wonder about 'silver' following on from 'gold')
untouched.
- I think the salvation couplet would work better here -
Unanswered prayers buried beneath grass,
their bodies rotted, unrecognizable.
The idea works, not sure about the burial metaphor for 'prayers'
(perhaps 'cries')
though it does seems slightly overwritten
More years pass before I find the right words
Not keen on the repetition of 'years', perhaps
it has taken me so long...
to tell someone about the corpses,
the ways of childhood finally behind me.
end on 'corpses' I think, this last line lacks punch.
Cut 'n paste suggestion:
I
[A sip of wine,] an unlit room,
to spill any is a sin.
Father, where are the others?
The bottle shapes liquid
like a good parent.
Father, what [is] that?
[B]londe hair flowed through his fingers,
[the] gold at the end of [the] rainbow.
[T]ears [fell as] rain, ruined [everything],
anger thunder without lightning.
I became a snowflake in spring,
pushed away by god's breath,
The light comes on,
flickering like his stutter.
II
The wine burns now
the whole way down
[and there are stains]
My hair is white, untouched.
[I buried all my prayers],
unrecogniz[ed], unanswered.
[It has taken me so long]
to tell [anyone] about the corpses.
Hope this helps
Best, Knot