11-19-2017, 04:04 AM
Hi dukealien
Kudos for the attempt. I liked the linguistic ambition of this,
but, for me, it doesn't seem as weighty as it should;
perhaps due to simplicity of the rhymes and the lack of focus (that Achebe identified)
Forgiveness is the difficultest state
Not too keen on the first word repeating the title.
Don't mind the coining of new words, but
'difficultest' seems rather infantile, and at odds with the subject.
of mind to enter with sincerity—
'state of mind' is a bit clichéd, (state could have led to geography)
but none's more needful, dissipating hate:
contrition's naught, forgiveness verity.
don't follow this line, I'm afraid.
And 'verity' feels forced for the rhyme.
Apology can help: it soothes a sting
this rather contradicts 'contrition's naught'
of felt injustice, disrespect perceived—
'felt injustice' is rather jarring.
but begging for indulgence cannot bring
like injustice/indulgence
release, unless forgiveness is received.
Are you sure, theologically speaking?
I though indulgences could be bought.
Still harder is a case where some will not
apologize because they stand accused
of what their grandsires did, or their race wrought,
perhaps 'ancestors' for 'grandsires'?
or else something that does not involve repeating
'their' (you use it three times in two lines)
who rightly feel their present selves abused.
'rightly' makes this tricky for me.
But there, relenting's trouble isn't lack
don't follow 'relenting's trouble'
of true confession, but that letting go
of vengeful motivations for attack
would leave a void—snuff out a warming glow.
can't reconcile void/warming glow
And this is why forgiveness benefits
not each recipient but its free donor
'free donor', very odd.
whose soul it liberates from ancient writs
like 'ancient writs', but you've got both 'historical'
and contemporary acts in this piece.
to daily live in unforced peace and honor.
Hope this was of some use
Best, Knot.
Kudos for the attempt. I liked the linguistic ambition of this,
but, for me, it doesn't seem as weighty as it should;
perhaps due to simplicity of the rhymes and the lack of focus (that Achebe identified)
Forgiveness is the difficultest state
Not too keen on the first word repeating the title.
Don't mind the coining of new words, but
'difficultest' seems rather infantile, and at odds with the subject.
of mind to enter with sincerity—
'state of mind' is a bit clichéd, (state could have led to geography)
but none's more needful, dissipating hate:
contrition's naught, forgiveness verity.
don't follow this line, I'm afraid.
And 'verity' feels forced for the rhyme.
Apology can help: it soothes a sting
this rather contradicts 'contrition's naught'
of felt injustice, disrespect perceived—
'felt injustice' is rather jarring.
but begging for indulgence cannot bring
like injustice/indulgence
release, unless forgiveness is received.
Are you sure, theologically speaking?
I though indulgences could be bought.
Still harder is a case where some will not
apologize because they stand accused
of what their grandsires did, or their race wrought,
perhaps 'ancestors' for 'grandsires'?
or else something that does not involve repeating
'their' (you use it three times in two lines)
who rightly feel their present selves abused.
'rightly' makes this tricky for me.
But there, relenting's trouble isn't lack
don't follow 'relenting's trouble'
of true confession, but that letting go
of vengeful motivations for attack
would leave a void—snuff out a warming glow.
can't reconcile void/warming glow
And this is why forgiveness benefits
not each recipient but its free donor
'free donor', very odd.
whose soul it liberates from ancient writs
like 'ancient writs', but you've got both 'historical'
and contemporary acts in this piece.
to daily live in unforced peace and honor.
Hope this was of some use
Best, Knot.