11-19-2017, 04:02 AM
Hey Alex.
Memories...away.
Flows a lot better now (but 'turned', where it is, is ambiguous;
'Memories, damp and grey, turned...' - might better maintain the metaphor)
For me, it still stumbles at 'all...'
It's almost as if there's a thought/line missing, and the poem just skips over the gap.
You may be trying to fit a bit too much into too small a space.
Or else I'm being terribly obtuse.
Are you 100% sure about 'sculpting'?
Because up until here I though the 'artist' could have been either a potter or a sculptor.
Best, Knot.
Memories...away.
Flows a lot better now (but 'turned', where it is, is ambiguous;
'Memories, damp and grey, turned...' - might better maintain the metaphor)
For me, it still stumbles at 'all...'
It's almost as if there's a thought/line missing, and the poem just skips over the gap.
You may be trying to fit a bit too much into too small a space.
Or else I'm being terribly obtuse.
Are you 100% sure about 'sculpting'?
Because up until here I though the 'artist' could have been either a potter or a sculptor.
Best, Knot.