11-18-2017, 11:36 PM
Hi Hannah,
enjoyed this. A solid draft with a clear narrative and a well drawn character and some strong images.
Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
Not sure if you need this line at all.
the man walks down the centuries
I think this would make a more interesting opening.
Perhaps 'a' for 'the' ?
(Or something along the lines of
A man walks down the centuries,
sits in the street, burdened beneath
...)
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
perhaps 'beneath' for 'by' ?
Not a fan of the repetition of 'layers'.
Though you might consider
Burdened beneath layers of cloth, or memory
beneath layers of grime, of shit, of earth.
Not sure about 'grime' (as that would seem to be covered - as it were - by shit)
layers of grime and shit and earth,
like the idea of 'layers of earth'
all billowing out around him
don't think you need 'out' after billowing.
Perhaps 'about' for 'around' ? (to avoid the repetition)
like the people around him,
the repetition of 'him' is rather clunky.
billowing out to avoid his stench,
not convinced by the repletion of 'billowing',
perhaps 'rolling' or 'falling' away...
his touch, his gaze.
like the beat of stench/touch/gaze
(perhaps 'sight' for gaze - gives you a pun and continues the T sonic)
Would suggest a line break here.
And what stories are there
behind his outstretched hand
'in' for 'behind' ?
and his downcast eyes and his plea
'behind' for 'and his' ?
Don't think you need 'and' (before downcast)
For the sonics, I'd suggest 'entreaties' for 'plea'
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
Just a suggestion:
He keeps his accounts, safe and stowed away,
in the same place that God hides
his secrets, his loose socks, [his] blueprints
and grand designs.
Which are, perhaps, not so complicated
[as we are led to believe]
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.
Nice ending.
Hope this is of some use
Best, Knot
enjoyed this. A solid draft with a clear narrative and a well drawn character and some strong images.
Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
Not sure if you need this line at all.
the man walks down the centuries
I think this would make a more interesting opening.
Perhaps 'a' for 'the' ?
(Or something along the lines of
A man walks down the centuries,
sits in the street, burdened beneath
...)
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
perhaps 'beneath' for 'by' ?
Not a fan of the repetition of 'layers'.
Though you might consider
Burdened beneath layers of cloth, or memory
beneath layers of grime, of shit, of earth.
Not sure about 'grime' (as that would seem to be covered - as it were - by shit)
layers of grime and shit and earth,
like the idea of 'layers of earth'
all billowing out around him
don't think you need 'out' after billowing.
Perhaps 'about' for 'around' ? (to avoid the repetition)
like the people around him,
the repetition of 'him' is rather clunky.
billowing out to avoid his stench,
not convinced by the repletion of 'billowing',
perhaps 'rolling' or 'falling' away...
his touch, his gaze.
like the beat of stench/touch/gaze
(perhaps 'sight' for gaze - gives you a pun and continues the T sonic)
Would suggest a line break here.
And what stories are there
behind his outstretched hand
'in' for 'behind' ?
and his downcast eyes and his plea
'behind' for 'and his' ?
Don't think you need 'and' (before downcast)
For the sonics, I'd suggest 'entreaties' for 'plea'
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
Just a suggestion:
He keeps his accounts, safe and stowed away,
in the same place that God hides
his secrets, his loose socks, [his] blueprints
and grand designs.
Which are, perhaps, not so complicated
[as we are led to believe]
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.
Nice ending.
Hope this is of some use
Best, Knot