11-18-2017, 10:31 AM
(11-18-2017, 09:01 AM)Hannah Wrote: Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard, could the final comma be an em dash for a pause here?This is quite good. Description of the character is simple and direct, rhythm is satisfactory for free verse. Some nice alliteration ("hides his secrets, his loose socks"). Repetition is used quite a bit ("billowing," "layers," "stories," "around him"). Not, perhaps, over-used, but you might consider changing some of them for variety ("strata" for one instance of "layers," for example). Repetition of "billowing" is good - the image of passers-by fanning out from the stench - but can't help wondering if the first instance could be a bit more descriptive - the stench seeps or wafts, the people billow?
the man walks down the centuries could the second "the" be eliminated?
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing out around him
like the people around him,
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.
You could add another hiss ("God conceals his secrets, his loose socks"), eliminating "that" at the beginning of the line which otherwise leaves the reader wondering if it should be "where" instead. And the last two lines could be simplified ("...perhaps less complicated/than we'd like to think") but this wouldn't sort well with the rest unless you pared them down similarly.
The title doesn't quite fit once you've read the whole thing, but is humorously apt otherwise (I'd call "shit" vulgarity rather than swearing, a technicality).
Thanks for sharing! A good poem, and a good one for further work.
Non-practicing atheist

