11-15-2017, 03:37 AM
Hi CarrieChristo
I’m forgetting what you looked like
I'd like a hint as to why N's forgetting (just a small one)
without pixels tied to color
this line isn't working for me (why not photograph?)
but I always painted you a cherry hue
like the thought, wonder if there is a specific pigment that could be named?
and I remember when I noticed
like 'remember' after 'forgetting'
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms
Puffing, pouting, always passing through.
Trying a bit too hard for the alliteration, I think.
Can cheeks 'pout'?
The 'thunderstorms' is a great image but 'passing through' (as opposed to, say, blowing over)
doesn't work that well - is it just there to rhyme with 'hue'? - and the thought/image feels incomplete.
I forget how my legs mixed with yours
like the return to 'forget', though 'mixed' (unless this is somehow an extension of the painting image) seems very odd.
atop my tired mattress
and if they’d clap along like waves
I think perhaps, finish the 'waves' thought, rather than 'melt like sun' (which doesn't make any sense to me).
or melt like sun
But I remember how you’d stare
you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair
and laugh when I told you that I was scared
you’d run.
Surprisingly prominent rhyming all of a sudden.
'scared/you'd run' is excellent
Yet here I lie in sheets that I have
piled mountains deep
like the image (though I'd suggest swapping 'sheets' for 'linens')
Would have preferred the remember/forget sequence was continued.
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin.
No idea what this means, but I do like it.
Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken
Crawling hunger howls within.
More rhyming but with what seems like melodrama.
These three lines don't work for me.
While sunlight sashays against my wall
(can one sashay against?)
......
I'm afraid that I don't follow the last verse at all.
And, by this stage, I don't find the title making much sense.
Enjoyed the first three-and-a -half stanzas, think they are very promising.
Best, Knot
I’m forgetting what you looked like
I'd like a hint as to why N's forgetting (just a small one)
without pixels tied to color
this line isn't working for me (why not photograph?)
but I always painted you a cherry hue
like the thought, wonder if there is a specific pigment that could be named?
and I remember when I noticed
like 'remember' after 'forgetting'
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms
Puffing, pouting, always passing through.
Trying a bit too hard for the alliteration, I think.
Can cheeks 'pout'?
The 'thunderstorms' is a great image but 'passing through' (as opposed to, say, blowing over)
doesn't work that well - is it just there to rhyme with 'hue'? - and the thought/image feels incomplete.
I forget how my legs mixed with yours
like the return to 'forget', though 'mixed' (unless this is somehow an extension of the painting image) seems very odd.
atop my tired mattress
and if they’d clap along like waves
I think perhaps, finish the 'waves' thought, rather than 'melt like sun' (which doesn't make any sense to me).
or melt like sun
But I remember how you’d stare
you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair
and laugh when I told you that I was scared
you’d run.
Surprisingly prominent rhyming all of a sudden.
'scared/you'd run' is excellent
Yet here I lie in sheets that I have
piled mountains deep
like the image (though I'd suggest swapping 'sheets' for 'linens')
Would have preferred the remember/forget sequence was continued.
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin.
No idea what this means, but I do like it.
Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken
Crawling hunger howls within.
More rhyming but with what seems like melodrama.
These three lines don't work for me.
While sunlight sashays against my wall
(can one sashay against?)
......
I'm afraid that I don't follow the last verse at all.
And, by this stage, I don't find the title making much sense.
Enjoyed the first three-and-a -half stanzas, think they are very promising.
Best, Knot