11-09-2017, 10:21 AM
(11-09-2017, 07:43 AM)Youi Wrote: As time falls
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot.
Awake some early morning, that line makes me think there´s a night between the first stanza and the ones below. it seems a little interrupting but maybe only to me.
dull and entranced, not sure if "entranced" is fitting to describe the state of waiting for a storm
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass. hm. you could concentrate this to "outside a storm awaits" it would sort of sneak into the morning trance you describe
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like ice flowers on windows are beautiful, so this distracts me from what i suppose what you want to say with "life-like"
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows. if that description is meant metaphorically i don´t understand, if it´s there for ambience it might be left out to concentrate more on the interaction of the persons. or, and this is just a wild guess, if it should describe how the subject focuses away from the other person you might want to write something like "i watch the street light cracking"
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection- "fire reflection"? reflecting fire? you may have to give more hints to how that is meant in your poem.. otherwise it´s a loneley point with all that snow .. same thing concerns the "silence is a riot" above
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. "mass" as a physical term is a word that somehow wants explanation for its use (while i think that line just wants to say something like "snow covers everything" )
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder,
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey. i´d leave that line out.. it´s clear enough in the poem
...