11-06-2017, 07:33 AM
I can tell you're trying to play around with the sounds of the poem. Especially in the second section:
I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and I can no longer
hide, everyone can see what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep
I wish you used a variety of sounds throughout the poem like that instead of just here, but I think a large part of that has to do with the poem using a lot repeated phrases that end with me/sleep/beat.
Repeated phrases can be powerful and emotional, which I think was what you were going for, but if it's overdone it looks redundant and lazy.
I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and I can no longer
hide, everyone can see what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep
I wish you used a variety of sounds throughout the poem like that instead of just here, but I think a large part of that has to do with the poem using a lot repeated phrases that end with me/sleep/beat.
Repeated phrases can be powerful and emotional, which I think was what you were going for, but if it's overdone it looks redundant and lazy.