11-02-2017, 11:17 PM
Hi Nibbed,
liked the title, reads like an invitation, and 'porch mums' (new phrase to me).
Pumpkins lose neighbours
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth:
I wonder if you've got these lines the wrong way round?
As starting with 'porch mums' might be stronger (and more intriguing for those who don't know the term)
and ending with pumpkins being abandoned.
Isn't 'warmth' implied by 'sanctuary'?
desk and hearth
welcome such easy pots,
I think 'easy pots' is a phrase that needs unpacking.
their crowds of weary crown
the alliteration here seems contrived
and toughened stem
agree with alexorande about 'toughened'
now tiptoe and stretch
Aren't tiptoe and stretch here used as synonyms?
Also, surely you 'search' for something rather than 'stretch'?
to a sun they cannot find.
Like the sentiment of this line
A proven stove
Don't understand 'proven'.
warms yesterday's porridge,
nice detail
while well worn woollens
find revivals in fluff;
Again, I think you could reorder these lines, start with 'woollens' and end with 'porridge' .
'Revivals in fluff' - very nice.
all preparations, a surrender
to the ever blasts of winter's
too sudden approach.
I don't think this verse works well, I'm afraid.
Preparations/surrender seem at odds, as does preparations/too sudden approach.
'ever blasts', no idea here (but blasts feels rather out of place)
Given that the approach of winter is implicit throughout, do you really need this verse at all?
If you chose to woollens/porridge, then perhaps you could end by looking out
of a (kitchen) window at winter's approach.
The whole piece draws the interior of a home convincingly and I think it should finish indoors
(in the warmth).
Hope this helps.
Regards, Knot.
liked the title, reads like an invitation, and 'porch mums' (new phrase to me).
Pumpkins lose neighbours
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth:
I wonder if you've got these lines the wrong way round?
As starting with 'porch mums' might be stronger (and more intriguing for those who don't know the term)
and ending with pumpkins being abandoned.
Isn't 'warmth' implied by 'sanctuary'?
desk and hearth
welcome such easy pots,
I think 'easy pots' is a phrase that needs unpacking.
their crowds of weary crown
the alliteration here seems contrived
and toughened stem
agree with alexorande about 'toughened'
now tiptoe and stretch
Aren't tiptoe and stretch here used as synonyms?
Also, surely you 'search' for something rather than 'stretch'?
to a sun they cannot find.
Like the sentiment of this line
A proven stove
Don't understand 'proven'.
warms yesterday's porridge,
nice detail
while well worn woollens
find revivals in fluff;
Again, I think you could reorder these lines, start with 'woollens' and end with 'porridge' .
'Revivals in fluff' - very nice.
all preparations, a surrender
to the ever blasts of winter's
too sudden approach.
I don't think this verse works well, I'm afraid.
Preparations/surrender seem at odds, as does preparations/too sudden approach.
'ever blasts', no idea here (but blasts feels rather out of place)
Given that the approach of winter is implicit throughout, do you really need this verse at all?
If you chose to woollens/porridge, then perhaps you could end by looking out
of a (kitchen) window at winter's approach.
The whole piece draws the interior of a home convincingly and I think it should finish indoors
(in the warmth).
Hope this helps.
Regards, Knot.