10-31-2017, 08:11 PM
(10-14-2017, 09:13 AM)UlrickMasters Wrote: "Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams
It wakes me as I listen to the beat (is it a slow beat or a fast beat?)
(Bump, bump, bump, bump)
Why can't I see this isn't for me,
I see you in my dreams,
I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems
(Bump, bump bump, bump)
I hear this beat and I just can't sleep!
why is it my mind knows whats best,
but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul,
and I can no longer hide,
everyone can see what I lost,
the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep
(Bump, bump, bump, bump)
Who can help me?
who can save me?
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me?
I feel like I'm lost,
and this beat will forever hurt me
(Bump, bump, bump, bump)
I still can't sleep right, what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown
so I'll just wait,
maybe when the beat stop,
maybe I can rest in peace."
(Good piece I like how it flows. I personally added and changed what I thought would help. Good work keep revising and would be glad to read again after you edit the poem after this critique.)