10-22-2017, 10:17 PM
Richard
Like naeshelle I know nothing about Downie (other than he died and made the BBC news)
or "Ahead by a Century" (which I googled) so;
Strong opening, though I think you should refer to him as 'you', as in
I wouldn't be hung over today,
if you [hadn't] died yesterday.
The focus should be on how his death affected you.
My first problem is I find it too big a leap from S1 to S2.
You might bridge the gap by suggesting that each glass/bottle consumed
took you further back in time until 'High School memories...'
I don't know what 'are further now' means, 'further from' or 'further away' than what?
I think S2 is very confused, just a suggestion;
[This glass a] high school memory
She tasted like beer and flicked cigarettes,
her lips [softer] because of my inexperience
[wearing] Canadian flags in her hair,
"Ahead by a Century" became our [song]
That night the chorus move[d] into my brain
eager for new neighbours,
and though I can't remember her last name,
[I remember how disappointing her got me down]
'eager for new neighbours' - I think I understand what you're trying to say,
but I don't think this phrase (unless it's another lyric reference) works.
S3 I think sentiment has (understandably) got the better of you here,
perhaps consider trimming;
I never got to shake your hand
or ask for an autograph,
but your voice
was my friend
(And then say why)
S4 doesn't work for me, too clearly an epitaph, and I have no idea who 'you' is.
Keep the focus on the narrator, leave the 'country' to itself.
Condolences, Knot
Like naeshelle I know nothing about Downie (other than he died and made the BBC news)
or "Ahead by a Century" (which I googled) so;
Strong opening, though I think you should refer to him as 'you', as in
I wouldn't be hung over today,
if you [hadn't] died yesterday.
The focus should be on how his death affected you.
My first problem is I find it too big a leap from S1 to S2.
You might bridge the gap by suggesting that each glass/bottle consumed
took you further back in time until 'High School memories...'
I don't know what 'are further now' means, 'further from' or 'further away' than what?
I think S2 is very confused, just a suggestion;
[This glass a] high school memory
She tasted like beer and flicked cigarettes,
her lips [softer] because of my inexperience
[wearing] Canadian flags in her hair,
"Ahead by a Century" became our [song]
That night the chorus move[d] into my brain
eager for new neighbours,
and though I can't remember her last name,
[I remember how disappointing her got me down]
'eager for new neighbours' - I think I understand what you're trying to say,
but I don't think this phrase (unless it's another lyric reference) works.
S3 I think sentiment has (understandably) got the better of you here,
perhaps consider trimming;
I never got to shake your hand
or ask for an autograph,
but your voice
was my friend
(And then say why)
S4 doesn't work for me, too clearly an epitaph, and I have no idea who 'you' is.
Keep the focus on the narrator, leave the 'country' to itself.
Condolences, Knot