10-22-2017, 06:35 PM
Where did "she" come from & what relevance does she have to "his" death?
I really like how you lead into the second stanza. It really punches the melancholic opening in further. But when you start talking about a woman & don't provide any relevance or connection to the man you started off with, you lose me.
Then, in the third stanza, you say "his voice, you,..." and I'm reading that as the man you're referencing & the person this is addressed to are the same person. Is that your intention? I haven't googled Gord Downie so, assuming he's famous or at least the subject of your work, I'm providing the perspective of someone who has no idea who you're talking about. I just know that part read a little strange to me.
The last stanza didn't really help clear things up for me. Are there now three people in this poem? Or four? I love the tone you've set here. Its wistful and forlorn. It's just confusing because I have a lot of he, I, you and hers but I don't actually know who is being referenced at any given time & what they contribute to the poem.
I really like how you lead into the second stanza. It really punches the melancholic opening in further. But when you start talking about a woman & don't provide any relevance or connection to the man you started off with, you lose me.
Then, in the third stanza, you say "his voice, you,..." and I'm reading that as the man you're referencing & the person this is addressed to are the same person. Is that your intention? I haven't googled Gord Downie so, assuming he's famous or at least the subject of your work, I'm providing the perspective of someone who has no idea who you're talking about. I just know that part read a little strange to me.
The last stanza didn't really help clear things up for me. Are there now three people in this poem? Or four? I love the tone you've set here. Its wistful and forlorn. It's just confusing because I have a lot of he, I, you and hers but I don't actually know who is being referenced at any given time & what they contribute to the poem.