10-21-2017, 09:16 PM
Hi illya
There's some nice scene setting here, but it really could do with a robust edit I think.
It is, as ellajam said, rather overwritten ('glinting' and 'flickering'?),
and the title simply doesn't do enough (apart from introduce the word 'night'
which is the repeated twice in the piece)
Just a suggestion:
at altitude, wrapped
[in what/or in what way?] warmth
[neither 'amid' nor 'ambient' work here] wind,
a full moon, snow-capped
peaks and ridges,
jagged spires.
I lie [watching the] stars
flickering through
the shivering ['branches' rather than 'tree', perhaps?]
listening to snowmelt
splash among creek rocks
in the High Sierra night.
(There's a simplicity to these three lines that I think works very well).
Best, Knot
There's some nice scene setting here, but it really could do with a robust edit I think.
It is, as ellajam said, rather overwritten ('glinting' and 'flickering'?),
and the title simply doesn't do enough (apart from introduce the word 'night'
which is the repeated twice in the piece)
Just a suggestion:
at altitude, wrapped
[in what/or in what way?] warmth
[neither 'amid' nor 'ambient' work here] wind,
a full moon, snow-capped
peaks and ridges,
jagged spires.
I lie [watching the] stars
flickering through
the shivering ['branches' rather than 'tree', perhaps?]
listening to snowmelt
splash among creek rocks
in the High Sierra night.
(There's a simplicity to these three lines that I think works very well).
Best, Knot