10-17-2017, 12:53 PM
I am torn here -- while I'm definitely a fan of cutting poems down to their root to be concise and effective, I think there are some qualities of the original that worked well and might be worth saving. The revised opening and ending lines of the poem are definitely stronger and provide great bookends to the images of the original poem (I too am a fan of "in a literal sense"). Also, I do think using the "or" statements provides a nicer flow. Perhaps this trend could be extended a bit longer with the "when" statements of the original for further detail.
"30 year old memories from fifth grade
and wondering why I was so afraid
to die back then—" ---> at the very least, in my opinion these lines are worth saving or rewording because they provide a good sense of time, context, and reflection to the piece. I think this would work very well in setting up your last lines of the revised version.
"30 year old memories from fifth grade
and wondering why I was so afraid
to die back then—" ---> at the very least, in my opinion these lines are worth saving or rewording because they provide a good sense of time, context, and reflection to the piece. I think this would work very well in setting up your last lines of the revised version.