Can't Sleep

[Richard]

Hey UlrickMasters,
I think you have a worthwhile idea here that you definitely should explore in a poem. I wonder if you played around with the line length, what the result might look like? To me, some of the longer lines could be broken into two shorter ones, and it might add some emphasis to key words that seem to be lost in the longer lines. I would also suggest being conscious of repeating words. Repetition has its place, but be careful not to over do it (this is something I've been guilty of more than once in my writing).

"Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

It wakes me as I listen to the beat

(Bump, bump, bump, bump) -I think I get what you're going for here. I wonder if this line would work better if it was in italics? I would also suggest using this line only once or twice in the poem instead of five times. May be once near the start and once near the end? Just a thought. 

Why can't I see this isn't for me, I see you in my dreams, I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems -I like this line. It adds intrigue to the speaker's dreams.

(Bump, bump bump, bump)

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and I can no longer -"sold my soul" borders on cliche, so I would suggest rewording it
hide, everyone can see what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Who can help me, who can save me,
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me
I feel like I'm lost, and this beat will forever hurt me

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

For some reason I hear this beat and I just can't sleep
I go out into the dark night, I run, and run as my legs -I would suggest dropping the word "dark" from this line. It is a bit redundant.
battle in this fight, energy below zero hoping I can sleep tonight but as I reach

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

I still can't sleep right, what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown so I'll just wait, maybe when the beat stops I can rest in peace." -"rest in peace" borders on cliche as well, so I would suggest rewording it

I think you have a good stating point here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard