10-14-2017, 12:45 AM
Hi B.nicole
A good first draft, though I'm not sure that there's sufficient narrative structure here.
For instance, it's only at the end the reader discovers 'she' has been looking in a mirror.
I'd suggest breaking it down into smaller more manageable sections (or verses if you prefer)
and try to be a bit clearer about what each verse is supposed to achieve. You could even
start them all with the opening line.
It's a good opening, but then you don't develop it.
I'd suggest taking some of the later lines and inserting them here, as in
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares, vast
[Would suggest
Eyes heavy, trembling body.]
chilling cold shivers cast
[don't think shivers can be cast]
over her, frost on a winter rose.
[this is the only rose reference in the piece]
she sits frozen [as the] pain grows.
Thoughts screaming, head spinning,
spiralling, emotions keep piling,
lurking in the shadows [are] the demon[s] of her past,
[Come] to cause havoc and break her at last.
[you have both 'demon' and 'demons' in the piece, which is it?]
[Drag her back to when...]
Body and mind matured before her years.
[I think you could change 'her' to 'their']
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears.
Drained, pinned down,
['pinned down' isn't in keeping with the water/liquid theme here]
Her expression blank now, hoping for a way out.
But her pleading is to no avail.
[I wonder if this would be better condensed to something like;
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears.
Drained, pinned down,
hoping for a way out.
pleading [falls on deaf ears]]
smears his body on hers as if the message wasn't clear.
['smears his body' is a (brutally) terrific phrase]
But then she sees it clearer,
[what does she see?]
it's just her standing in the mirror.
Face pale, body frail.
If her life is Hell
Then damn she wears it so well.
[slight contradiction here, I think]
Her tears like cold diamonds on her face,
[It's the second time you've used tears and cold -
and though 'cold diamonds' is a nice phrase you
might want to change the metaphor in this section]
Wishing she could erase every embrace.
[bit of a jump here?]
And he'll never admit to his evil.
He'll blame it on her intelligence and beauty being lethal.
[this reads like it should lead to a conclusion.
Because 'he'll never admit...' therefore what?]
She relives this moment on the circuit of her brain,
Detained by her pain.
[Which moment? The one where he doesn't admit?
Detained is like harassed, very weak]
Her past has passed though the memories are very present.
She'll one day embody the essence
Of creating a new blessing from past unpleasant lessons.
['unpleasant'?]
Through the tribulations and trials, the lows and highs
Again she will rise.
[Not entirely sure how you can 'rise' through 'highs', nor how to connect
'rise' to a 'wilted rose'. Choose your metaphors and develop them.]
I think the piece has a lot going for it, but I think you need to be clearer
about what you are trying to say (at each stage of the poem),
and to not let rhyme determine meaning.
Best, Knot
A good first draft, though I'm not sure that there's sufficient narrative structure here.
For instance, it's only at the end the reader discovers 'she' has been looking in a mirror.
I'd suggest breaking it down into smaller more manageable sections (or verses if you prefer)
and try to be a bit clearer about what each verse is supposed to achieve. You could even
start them all with the opening line.
It's a good opening, but then you don't develop it.
I'd suggest taking some of the later lines and inserting them here, as in
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares, vast
[Would suggest
Eyes heavy, trembling body.]
chilling cold shivers cast
[don't think shivers can be cast]
over her, frost on a winter rose.
[this is the only rose reference in the piece]
she sits frozen [as the] pain grows.
Thoughts screaming, head spinning,
spiralling, emotions keep piling,
lurking in the shadows [are] the demon[s] of her past,
[Come] to cause havoc and break her at last.
[you have both 'demon' and 'demons' in the piece, which is it?]
[Drag her back to when...]
Body and mind matured before her years.
[I think you could change 'her' to 'their']
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears.
Drained, pinned down,
['pinned down' isn't in keeping with the water/liquid theme here]
Her expression blank now, hoping for a way out.
But her pleading is to no avail.
[I wonder if this would be better condensed to something like;
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears.
Drained, pinned down,
hoping for a way out.
pleading [falls on deaf ears]]
smears his body on hers as if the message wasn't clear.
['smears his body' is a (brutally) terrific phrase]
But then she sees it clearer,
[what does she see?]
it's just her standing in the mirror.
Face pale, body frail.
If her life is Hell
Then damn she wears it so well.
[slight contradiction here, I think]
Her tears like cold diamonds on her face,
[It's the second time you've used tears and cold -
and though 'cold diamonds' is a nice phrase you
might want to change the metaphor in this section]
Wishing she could erase every embrace.
[bit of a jump here?]
And he'll never admit to his evil.
He'll blame it on her intelligence and beauty being lethal.
[this reads like it should lead to a conclusion.
Because 'he'll never admit...' therefore what?]
She relives this moment on the circuit of her brain,
Detained by her pain.
[Which moment? The one where he doesn't admit?
Detained is like harassed, very weak]
Her past has passed though the memories are very present.
She'll one day embody the essence
Of creating a new blessing from past unpleasant lessons.
['unpleasant'?]
Through the tribulations and trials, the lows and highs
Again she will rise.
[Not entirely sure how you can 'rise' through 'highs', nor how to connect
'rise' to a 'wilted rose'. Choose your metaphors and develop them.]
I think the piece has a lot going for it, but I think you need to be clearer
about what you are trying to say (at each stage of the poem),
and to not let rhyme determine meaning.
Best, Knot