10-12-2017, 10:16 PM
Hi ClaireLou.
Well done on the title change, adds a whole new dimension
and the overall revision makes for a much stronger, more focused,
better controlled piece. (Though the punctuation still needs a bit of attention).
When you read this aloud, is the pause between 'smother it'
and 'to take' really a semi-colon's length, or is it closer to a comma?
I think you need to resolve S1 with what you'd do with the pillow (articulate some of the Narrator's frustration),
then start S2 with 'Instead, I pull it close' (or similar).
If 'taps' then 'stares'. I'd suggest changing 'with hands' to something like' those/whose/its hands'.
(Also perhaps you might consider inserting a line after 'this Monster' to the effect of -
[that stalks our lives],
continually tapping...)
(Neverending, is two words, or hyphenated)
I wonder, if in the final stanza, instead of 'no rest'
you might find a phrase that works better with 'clock that ticks'?
Having the first line by itself is still a bit of a distraction, I think.
Best, Knot.
Well done on the title change, adds a whole new dimension
and the overall revision makes for a much stronger, more focused,
better controlled piece. (Though the punctuation still needs a bit of attention).
When you read this aloud, is the pause between 'smother it'
and 'to take' really a semi-colon's length, or is it closer to a comma?
I think you need to resolve S1 with what you'd do with the pillow (articulate some of the Narrator's frustration),
then start S2 with 'Instead, I pull it close' (or similar).
If 'taps' then 'stares'. I'd suggest changing 'with hands' to something like' those/whose/its hands'.
(Also perhaps you might consider inserting a line after 'this Monster' to the effect of -
[that stalks our lives],
continually tapping...)
(Neverending, is two words, or hyphenated)
I wonder, if in the final stanza, instead of 'no rest'
you might find a phrase that works better with 'clock that ticks'?
Having the first line by itself is still a bit of a distraction, I think.
Best, Knot.