10-11-2017, 11:14 AM
Hey all,
Thanks for the feedback.
mercedes - The last line went through three versions on the way to this one, which I think shows based on the feedback. I really like your suggestion about dropping the final four words.
QDeathstar- I like the precursor storm idea and plan on using that some how in the edit.
shemthepenman - I wrote this poem months ago and just added the image of the practiced smile today. I was bored one lunch break last winter and looked outside to notice that the clouds looked like a depressed brain, and I went form there. However, your comment makes me reevaluate about how effective I was with my imagery in this poem.
RiverNotch - I was worried about the broken dreams line, but I'm sucker when it comes to such images. I blame Langston Hughes... I plan on changing it.
Once again, I greatly appreciate all your comments. I really wanted to know if this poem was working, and now I have some ideas on where to take it from here.
Thanks again,
Richard
Thanks for the feedback.
mercedes - The last line went through three versions on the way to this one, which I think shows based on the feedback. I really like your suggestion about dropping the final four words.
QDeathstar- I like the precursor storm idea and plan on using that some how in the edit.
shemthepenman - I wrote this poem months ago and just added the image of the practiced smile today. I was bored one lunch break last winter and looked outside to notice that the clouds looked like a depressed brain, and I went form there. However, your comment makes me reevaluate about how effective I was with my imagery in this poem.
RiverNotch - I was worried about the broken dreams line, but I'm sucker when it comes to such images. I blame Langston Hughes... I plan on changing it.
Once again, I greatly appreciate all your comments. I really wanted to know if this poem was working, and now I have some ideas on where to take it from here.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.