10-11-2017, 09:04 AM
Hi Richard. I get the mood of your poem! Chilly, repellent.
For me, 'broken dreams' is suspect. Three uses of 'as' in such a short poem stands out. Maybe 'Clouds, brain-grey' or something similar would help. Also, I think the final four words weaken the end. They're implied, surely, in 'smile'.
For me, 'broken dreams' is suspect. Three uses of 'as' in such a short poem stands out. Maybe 'Clouds, brain-grey' or something similar would help. Also, I think the final four words weaken the end. They're implied, surely, in 'smile'.