10-11-2017, 02:16 AM
Hi ClaireLou
I didn't get, in either version, that the OCD was not the narrators,
and I think you might want to make that clearer.
If you started with an idea like:
I want to smother [it, not you,
though some days I'm not sure
if there's a difference.]
To take this feather filled pillow,
decorated with ducklings,
scented with roses
[and memories of childhood.
A defence against The Monster
in the room]
...
S4/6/5 - I think you could make the OCD features of the 'monster'
rather than the (somewhat predictable) 'uncontrollable urges',
then symptoms become :
that counts letters,
taps its feet...
Order in existence,
time irrelevant,
each day lost
a labyrinth with[out] end.
hands never clean,
[no deviations]
rules to be followed
written in blood
Good job with S5 by the way, particularly 'rules...blood' (very strong).
(S6, which I'd suggest switching with S5, is not quite there yet, but close)
S3, still doesn't work, for me. Its a bit too overblown.
I'd also suggest that, if you're going to include something about 'hope'
you left it until nearer (if not actually) the end.
At this point you're saying you've still got some hope,
but you've not provided sufficient context as to why this matters...yet.
I'm not sure about S7, but I think you need to return to the 'pillow/smothering' here.
I'm not sure the title works, as the piece seems less about OCD than the narrators response.
Perhaps something about 'smothering' might work.
Best, Knot.
I didn't get, in either version, that the OCD was not the narrators,
and I think you might want to make that clearer.
If you started with an idea like:
I want to smother [it, not you,
though some days I'm not sure
if there's a difference.]
To take this feather filled pillow,
decorated with ducklings,
scented with roses
[and memories of childhood.
A defence against The Monster
in the room]
...
S4/6/5 - I think you could make the OCD features of the 'monster'
rather than the (somewhat predictable) 'uncontrollable urges',
then symptoms become :
that counts letters,
taps its feet...
Order in existence,
time irrelevant,
each day lost
a labyrinth with[out] end.
hands never clean,
[no deviations]
rules to be followed
written in blood
Good job with S5 by the way, particularly 'rules...blood' (very strong).
(S6, which I'd suggest switching with S5, is not quite there yet, but close)
S3, still doesn't work, for me. Its a bit too overblown.
I'd also suggest that, if you're going to include something about 'hope'
you left it until nearer (if not actually) the end.
At this point you're saying you've still got some hope,
but you've not provided sufficient context as to why this matters...yet.
I'm not sure about S7, but I think you need to return to the 'pillow/smothering' here.
I'm not sure the title works, as the piece seems less about OCD than the narrators response.
Perhaps something about 'smothering' might work.
Best, Knot.