10-08-2017, 10:12 PM
Hi ClaireLou,
interesting subject and a very readable piece.
Firstly I'd suggest making all verses a uniform 4 lines.
So you'd start with
I want to smother you;
The feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings
and scented with roses.
Pulled close,
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,
...
I'm not sure what you're trying to say with verse 3,
and I think it the piece loses momentum here.
If you went straight from 2 to 4 would too much be lost?
'Take away the pain' - this seems to me to be a restatement of the opening line
uncontrollable urges' - is a bit too obvious, I think, whilst 'tapping your feet on carpets'
is not and is intriguing. I think, given the title, you could expand these behavioural elements.
'the clock' - is this something specific? I wondered if it was more akin to a ticking bomb.
Best, Knot
interesting subject and a very readable piece.
Firstly I'd suggest making all verses a uniform 4 lines.
So you'd start with
I want to smother you;
The feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings
and scented with roses.
Pulled close,
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,
...
I'm not sure what you're trying to say with verse 3,
and I think it the piece loses momentum here.
If you went straight from 2 to 4 would too much be lost?
'Take away the pain' - this seems to me to be a restatement of the opening line
uncontrollable urges' - is a bit too obvious, I think, whilst 'tapping your feet on carpets'
is not and is intriguing. I think, given the title, you could expand these behavioural elements.
'the clock' - is this something specific? I wondered if it was more akin to a ticking bomb.
Best, Knot