10-08-2017, 09:51 PM
Hi Richard,
I agree with Todd about treating this as a new first draft, so...
I don't think the first stanza is clear enough
(for example, I'm not sure where the narrator (N) is),
nor am I convinced that it is needed at all.
If you begin the piece at S2, which I think conveys an awful lot with great economy,
I think you have a much stronger opening.
(Though I'd suggest cutting 'silence shatters its gavel')
S3 reads as being overwritten and could stand pruning.
For your consideration:
As I walk home, snow falls -
between sleeping grass,
greens dulled by time,
[a] future white as bone -
[and] wets my face as I rehearse
the usual lines.
Similarly for S4
If only this was a one night stand,
then everything would be alright.
Hope this is of some use
Best, Knot
I agree with Todd about treating this as a new first draft, so...
I don't think the first stanza is clear enough
(for example, I'm not sure where the narrator (N) is),
nor am I convinced that it is needed at all.
If you begin the piece at S2, which I think conveys an awful lot with great economy,
I think you have a much stronger opening.
(Though I'd suggest cutting 'silence shatters its gavel')
S3 reads as being overwritten and could stand pruning.
For your consideration:
As I walk home, snow falls -
between sleeping grass,
greens dulled by time,
[a] future white as bone -
[and] wets my face as I rehearse
the usual lines.
Similarly for S4
If only this was a one night stand,
then everything would be alright.
Hope this is of some use
Best, Knot