10-07-2017, 02:21 AM
dukealien.
Enjoyed the humour and the setting.
The first two lines led me to expect a rhyming piece (which I think would work well).
You could probably drop 'at' in L3,
Why 'in truth' rather than simply 'the'?
I agree with alexorande that L13 should be more along the lines of
fall into butter anointed sleep.
I'd suggest cutting the final/second stanza. Ending on 'thighs' packs more of a punch.
I don't think the title helps you here. But given the cinema/film context you've a lot to play with.
(Personally I like 'Our Feature Presentation').
Best, Knot.
Enjoyed the humour and the setting.
The first two lines led me to expect a rhyming piece (which I think would work well).
You could probably drop 'at' in L3,
Why 'in truth' rather than simply 'the'?
I agree with alexorande that L13 should be more along the lines of
fall into butter anointed sleep.
I'd suggest cutting the final/second stanza. Ending on 'thighs' packs more of a punch.
I don't think the title helps you here. But given the cinema/film context you've a lot to play with.
(Personally I like 'Our Feature Presentation').
Best, Knot.