10-07-2017, 02:04 AM
Hi, DivineMsEmm,
nicely economical.
Some suggestions:
replace 'or' with 'when' (L2-4); to me it sounds better.
I agree with alexorande about 'knocks', 'taps' might work though.
Rework L4 to bring it in line with the rest (when a rainbow [....] beyond the highway).
I think you could rescue some more of the original. Just an idea;
[or] when I remember the fifth grade
and wonder why I was so afraid to die
when I am [struggling through] my day
and wishing I had enough time
when I...
I think there's a power in the 'fifth grade' lines that is compelling.
I'm not too sure about the end. Could you simplify it to:
Though not as he did to Joan of Arc. ?
Best, Knot.
nicely economical.
Some suggestions:
replace 'or' with 'when' (L2-4); to me it sounds better.
I agree with alexorande about 'knocks', 'taps' might work though.
Rework L4 to bring it in line with the rest (when a rainbow [....] beyond the highway).
I think you could rescue some more of the original. Just an idea;
[or] when I remember the fifth grade
and wonder why I was so afraid to die
when I am [struggling through] my day
and wishing I had enough time
when I...
I think there's a power in the 'fifth grade' lines that is compelling.
I'm not too sure about the end. Could you simplify it to:
Though not as he did to Joan of Arc. ?
Best, Knot.