10-06-2017, 01:17 AM
Nice mood piece, wistful, melancholic. Works for me.
Some suggestions.
L3. Should this not be 'blowing'? They are the roses N is seeing 'this morning' aren't they?
L4. Do you need 'my'?
L5. You might consider shortening this line (My thoughts amble).
Personally I stumble a bit going from 'amble' to 'ride', would L6 work without 'ride'?
L9. I don't think you need 'its' here.
I don't find the last two lines that convincing. Would they still work as;
This morning, in the gardens,
something came to mind. ?
Best, Knot
Some suggestions.
L3. Should this not be 'blowing'? They are the roses N is seeing 'this morning' aren't they?
L4. Do you need 'my'?
L5. You might consider shortening this line (My thoughts amble).
Personally I stumble a bit going from 'amble' to 'ride', would L6 work without 'ride'?
L9. I don't think you need 'its' here.
I don't find the last two lines that convincing. Would they still work as;
This morning, in the gardens,
something came to mind. ?
Best, Knot