The Vision of the Balding Gent (Edit, title change)

[alonso ramoran]

Leading Light


Hooded phantom with a scythe? Being that this take on death is pretty fresh, I don't think you need to start the poem with these first two lines. All that they really do is add a sense of lightheartedness to the poem, which is kinda already there in the tone of the poem, and even though you're well aware of the cliched portrayal of death in the first line, it's still a cliched image to start the poem with.
Don’t be silly!
Death’s a leggy Usherette, hot-pantsed, I get that Death's pants is looking pretty sensual, but maybe something more descriptive and specific than hot would work better.
short jacket double-breasted,
pillbox cap set at a saucy slant.
Follow her dim flashlight—
and, in truth, firm twinkles
of her gleaming gams— Disregarding "hot-pantsed", I'm liking this description of death, very intriguing. "saucy slant" and "gleaming gams" provides a good use of alliteration and an even better use of describing death's sensuality.
down long declining aisles
to a place assigned,
arms full of buttered popcorn,
Good&Plenty safely pocketed. Maybe Good&Plenty should be written Good & Plenty? It was a bit of a distraction for me, with the words being bunched together.
Previews run,
outlasting food and breath;
fall into sleep anointed, maybe "an anointed sleep" sounds better, and you could possibly throw in popcorn butter when using anointed, otherwise I'm taken out of this metaphor and I'm thinking of some religious ceremony.
jumbo soda tumbling, last thought
not of Feature but
those crisply crossing thighs.

Death—what a concept
to assuage the boredom of
our binding immortality!
You hidden Manager, I’ll bet
you take her home
after work.

I'm still thinking of what the ending could mean. I'm thinking that the manager at this theater hates his job and this job is his peak in life, so taking Death home with him after work is a way of saying how he'll off himself. Whatever the ending means, I like it. I think it's pretty thought provoking.

Alternate title:  "The Vision of the Pensioner," which unfortunately doesn't work in American English.

why doesn't it work well in English? I think it's a pretty good title, in fact, even better than the one you chose

As a first cut, are the first two lines necessary?