09-28-2017, 01:59 PM
(09-27-2017, 12:53 PM)Richard Wrote: Growth
I miss the nothing days of my youth, I felt like saying "I miss my youth and its nothing days" sounded better. The first line was a little melodramatic, and probably because of the phrasing.
when our worry was a seed.
Our stomachs rubbed together
like two mittens I can't reason out why this line is broken this way, other than to accentuate the unexpected visual of mittens. And for the record, I like the unexpectedness. The line break is distracting me, though.
dirty with the year's first snow.
Our tears rain in June;
puddles that would always dry up.This is an incomplete sentence. I'm aggravated by it.
Your silence wasn't a barren tree,
colourful leaves words lost,
broken shade all encompassing.
These last three thoughts do well sounding like you reminisce on days of the past. They are still incomplete sentences that are aggravating me.
I miss the nothing days of our youth. The subtle change in tone is fantastic. The replacement of the one word turns the nostalgia into remorse, and its subtlety is powerful.