09-27-2017, 07:38 AM
Hi Clairelou
I enjoyed the poem and its premise you have a solid frame to work with here and I look forward to seeing what changes you decide to make. Best Keith, some comments below.
S1
Opening is boring does nothing to get me hooked, then bam, great image solid metaphor, would you consider starting the poem with....Your words are simply the foam etc? I think that will tighten up the opening.
S2
I like the bat senses tingling ref but taking the reader into understanding this is a troll we are dealing with. You have to trust the reader more, you don't need the word acid we know what red is and acid tongue is cliche.
S3
Adrenaline junkie is cliche, you can do better.
S4
Nothing to add it works well shift what normally be a mental torment into physical one.
S5
I get the point they need us to feed on but this stanza needs some work maybe another kick ass metaphor to go out on a high.
Hope these help best
Keith
I enjoyed the poem and its premise you have a solid frame to work with here and I look forward to seeing what changes you decide to make. Best Keith, some comments below.
S1
Opening is boring does nothing to get me hooked, then bam, great image solid metaphor, would you consider starting the poem with....Your words are simply the foam etc? I think that will tighten up the opening.
S2
I like the bat senses tingling ref but taking the reader into understanding this is a troll we are dealing with. You have to trust the reader more, you don't need the word acid we know what red is and acid tongue is cliche.
S3
Adrenaline junkie is cliche, you can do better.
S4
Nothing to add it works well shift what normally be a mental torment into physical one.
S5
I get the point they need us to feed on but this stanza needs some work maybe another kick ass metaphor to go out on a high.
Hope these help best
Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out