09-27-2017, 05:38 AM
(09-27-2017, 04:57 AM)ClaireLou Wrote: Say what you wish
for your words mean nothing. Maybe a semi-colon here since you are continuing the thought. While I think you could start off stronger, this seems fine
They are simply the foam
that tops my morning coffee
disappearing with each sip. These three lines make me want a coffee. Nice job with this metaphor.
Fingers tapping furiously,
troll-like senses tingling haha
as your acid tongue
turns the litmus paper red. nice image, but i don't understand how this person has an acidic tongue if those words aren't coming from his mouth, but is instead being typed. Maybe you could do something like "If only your words were written on litmus paper, it'd turn red" but with better phrasing.
Hiding beind your keyboard, missing an h in "beind"
reaction is your rush,
an andrenalin junkie e in "adrenalin"
craving your next fix.
You grasp at that
which others do not wish to hear,
cutting at skin
pulling at broken limbs.
But I wil not rise, extra l in "wil"
I understand your pain,
a child alone in a playground,
I know your secret. Maybe cut this. If there is another secret besides the pain this troll carries i feel like it needs to be explained, otherwise it sounds like there is another secret you are alluding to that the reader is not aware of, specifically this reader haha. Good first draft, thank you for the read.
