09-24-2017, 01:37 AM
Being new to this game, I'll have a go with your poem, but forgive (in advance) if it's a bit shaky!
Firstly, like the overall melancholy feel of the poem and its recognition of the transience of 'celebrity' or star status.
Recognise the big contrast between the title and 1st metaphor and then the rest of the grave ones. Not necessarily a bad thing and personally on the fence about it.
Wonder if should be 'my rotted brain telling the worms' as you had 'trying to smile' in the line before?
Why 'pretends' - is it showing the duality within us: that we know the unreality of getting the recognition, but even in that still want it to happen? Or that having something 'worthy' about us in order to have an award/elegy etc. is too much hard work? May be being dense, but just trying to understand the idea.
Enjoy the end 2 lines and their imagery. Makes me imagine all our names drifting up into the empty universe.
Thanks for sharing it and look forward to where it'll go after you stay with it for a while!
Firstly, like the overall melancholy feel of the poem and its recognition of the transience of 'celebrity' or star status.
Recognise the big contrast between the title and 1st metaphor and then the rest of the grave ones. Not necessarily a bad thing and personally on the fence about it.
Wonder if should be 'my rotted brain telling the worms' as you had 'trying to smile' in the line before?
Why 'pretends' - is it showing the duality within us: that we know the unreality of getting the recognition, but even in that still want it to happen? Or that having something 'worthy' about us in order to have an award/elegy etc. is too much hard work? May be being dense, but just trying to understand the idea.
Enjoy the end 2 lines and their imagery. Makes me imagine all our names drifting up into the empty universe.
Thanks for sharing it and look forward to where it'll go after you stay with it for a while!
(08-30-2017, 06:50 AM)Todd Wrote: Richard, this has some great elements to it. Your phrasing draws me in. I love "weight of the soil," "lipless teeth trying to smile," the "rotting brain tells the worms," and "dying breath in the night."
All so very good. Where I bogged down is in the overabundance of similes. They feel stacked one on top of the other. Could you maybe smooth some of them out into metaphor? Each one individually is fine. The whole of them though draws too much attention to the effect and away from the content. If that makes sense.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
(08-30-2017, 05:22 AM)Richard Wrote: Wannabe
I fantasize,
like a teenager dreams about sex,
that they'll name an award after me.
I imagine myself
beneath the weight of soil,
my lipless teeth trying to smile.
I imagine my rotted brain tells the worms
with each bite they take.
I imagine my eye sockets feel useful again,
their legacy summed up in a name.
I then pretend
to forget the elegies, the dirges,
they require too much effort
like life.
But I know,
like an old man who closes his eyes for the last time,
there is no man-made immortality:
all names are eventually lost
like a dying breath in the night.