09-22-2017, 03:34 AM
Hi Billy
I like how this explodes on to the page but the title gives away too much too soon, I could have been thinking drugs raid or robbery right up until the sleeves were cut of the shirt and I would have been happy with the uncertanty but the title dropped me right in it. Love how this moves round the house, I was left thinking, Jesus what did this guy do. I found it fresh, fast paced and almost vouyeristic in a oh shit kind of way, some more comment below.
S1 Really like heartbeat of thunder and the fish wallet, full stop after oxygen.
S2 is quite sad and funny the way you spin good and ugly by inference of course but still it has the weight of children caught up in the frey and thats never easy but I think you handle the image well. The first time i read it I though the N was refering to himself but the penny dropped on secon read.
S3 like the shitter better rhyme they keep the piece moving at the pace a hurricane would hit, as the rant spills over from one room to another.
S4 will be the money line....when you change the title...Sorry, if you change the title.
S5 love the phone in the kettle...do poeple really do that, note to self
also like the image of dead doors its an interesting line. I tripped on Manchester united because ripping up that is a good thing surley. Oh and its too many syllables Liverpool would definetly scan better. Not sure laughter work that well as it implies control whilst the rest implies out of control but the last line ties it all back together nicley and is a fine ending. Enjoyed this one immensly Billy. Best Keith
I like how this explodes on to the page but the title gives away too much too soon, I could have been thinking drugs raid or robbery right up until the sleeves were cut of the shirt and I would have been happy with the uncertanty but the title dropped me right in it. Love how this moves round the house, I was left thinking, Jesus what did this guy do. I found it fresh, fast paced and almost vouyeristic in a oh shit kind of way, some more comment below.
S1 Really like heartbeat of thunder and the fish wallet, full stop after oxygen.
S2 is quite sad and funny the way you spin good and ugly by inference of course but still it has the weight of children caught up in the frey and thats never easy but I think you handle the image well. The first time i read it I though the N was refering to himself but the penny dropped on secon read.
S3 like the shitter better rhyme they keep the piece moving at the pace a hurricane would hit, as the rant spills over from one room to another.
S4 will be the money line....when you change the title...Sorry, if you change the title.
S5 love the phone in the kettle...do poeple really do that, note to self
also like the image of dead doors its an interesting line. I tripped on Manchester united because ripping up that is a good thing surley. Oh and its too many syllables Liverpool would definetly scan better. Not sure laughter work that well as it implies control whilst the rest implies out of control but the last line ties it all back together nicley and is a fine ending. Enjoyed this one immensly Billy. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out