The Contentment of Creation (True Beauty)

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Hi, I hope you don't consider this too forward. I think you have a good poem here but it would be improved by some cuts let me show you some suggestions for your consideration.

2nd revision w/title change


The Contentment of His Creation

He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,
distractions:

His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;

He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.

His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.

He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;

boasting His pure galleries



Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

H, Todd.
Thank you for your very kind consideration of my poem.
I like many of your suggestions, I need to feel a twinkle
to revise it once more.

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2nd revision w/title change


The Contentment of His Creation

He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,                                           Lonely tribulation really strikes me. Great stanza
distractions:

His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,                                       Love the contradictionary nature of this stanza powerful billows/'gently' dabbing
forming whimsy caricature;

He waves mystery's handiwork,                                
displays feathers & frond.                                         Amazing sentence

His angels stand cornered
offering wind                                                          Comparing to the other stanzas, this one feels a bit lacking. 
only at His direction                                                'Wildflower' seems a bit out of context (or i'm just missing the reference)
teasing hints, done                                                
in fragrant wildflower.

He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,                                         Making the animals plural would sound better
cricket & frog;

boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.                                   Great ending, i'd cut 'brilliant' out, though. That seems to add better to the flow (You can also 





ORIGINAL

True Beauty

He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:

His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;

His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.

Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,

He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;

boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.

Without a doubt this is the best work i've had the pleasure of reading from you yet, Jeanine. The overall angelic experience is soothing, proofing that religiously themed poetry can be mellow and tranquil while not being zealous or evangelical. I'm sorry that my feedback is rather lacking, but take that as a compliment, as this i find this work filled to the brim with grace.

Hi Four-eyed cat

thank you for your kind words and for taking time to critique my poem.
I appreciate your compliment. I felt very happy and blest when I wrote it.

nibbed

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2nd revision w/title change


The Contentment of His Creation

He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation, ....'during' doesn't fit the metre. I preferred the original 'in', and didn't find it ambiguous.
distractions: ...whether it's 'in', or 'during', sending comfort during distractions is hard to understand. Maybe if you replaced 'distractions' with a more apt word?

His powerful billows ... as a general rule, I think adjectives are best avoided in poetry. 
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;

He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.

His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.

He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;

boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song...I would avoid the second adjective.





ORIGINAL

True Beauty

He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:

His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;

His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.

Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,

He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;

boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.

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This is one of your better works, because the Christianising isn't overt.

Thank you Achebe.

I think you may be right about the "in". I thank you for reading my poem and considering it for critique.
I am sorry it took so long to reply. I couldn't make heads or tails of the queue of critique. Even now I am
not sure I am posting properly. Thank you kindly

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For me the poem is trying too hard and reads as bland in too many parts. this is the "creator"  that's being spoke of, he needs to be seen. there needs to be less on the idea of god and more images of him. he needs to be made human in order for us to see him as god. [just my opinion probably] the first stanza feels weak as does the 2nd and others.

He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;

build on images like the one above. possibly give more depth to what you've already written.

god poems like love poems generally need to be very good and very original to pass the tiniest of scrutiny. they need to hold the reader.

2nd revision w/title change


The Contentment of His Creation the title is much better and lends one to instantly know what type of poem it will be.

He sends comfort why and what for?
during lonely tribulation, what tribulations, show some?
distractions: what distractions. give us an image.

His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;

He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.

His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.

He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;

boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.

thank you billy
it's a great critique
I need to get my "groove back" to do a revision
I've lost the spirit of the poem, somehow.
I wonder if that's common for poets?
Have a blessed day.



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