09-12-2017, 04:09 PM
hi Dcandy. first off, welcome to the site.
on the face of it, it seems okay yet it needs a fair bit of work. mainly it's a poem of abstractions; things that deal with ideas, on rare occasions abstractions work but in general we need to show events [things that actually happen] we can do this through simile or metaphor. watch out for cliches. you have one in the first line, they generally weaken a poem, more so in a first line where you want to grab the readers attention.
on the face of it, it seems okay yet it needs a fair bit of work. mainly it's a poem of abstractions; things that deal with ideas, on rare occasions abstractions work but in general we need to show events [things that actually happen] we can do this through simile or metaphor. watch out for cliches. you have one in the first line, they generally weaken a poem, more so in a first line where you want to grab the readers attention.
(09-12-2017, 01:49 PM)Dcandy925 Wrote: Constellations
The night above, dark and deep,
constellations bring you a moment of peace.
The city lights make you dream,
beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.
Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain.
The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain.
The future is for you to see,
you'll have what you want, all that you need.
You're done thinking. Your mind is full.
The dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow, it's everything you love.