09-12-2017, 08:17 AM
Hi Richard
Your opening lines brought me into the poem but the comparison of teenage sex set up a very different image to were the poem takes us, not that that is a bad thing, I'm just not sure how effective that simaly is as it quite light on imagery. That said I loved all the other descriptive lines lipless smile etc, not sure about worms biting though they eat with strong mouth muscles, they don't have teeth. I like the reference to the difficulty in life about writing literature and song, nicely worked in. Not sure the last line really adds anything and it think it would be stronger to finish on lost. All in all I very much enjoyed the poem, it drew me in and held my attention throughout, best Keith
Your opening lines brought me into the poem but the comparison of teenage sex set up a very different image to were the poem takes us, not that that is a bad thing, I'm just not sure how effective that simaly is as it quite light on imagery. That said I loved all the other descriptive lines lipless smile etc, not sure about worms biting though they eat with strong mouth muscles, they don't have teeth. I like the reference to the difficulty in life about writing literature and song, nicely worked in. Not sure the last line really adds anything and it think it would be stronger to finish on lost. All in all I very much enjoyed the poem, it drew me in and held my attention throughout, best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out