Version 4: A Self Created Soul

[billy]

I would like to keep it at 4 x lines per verse if possible, simply because Ive not worked with something so structurally set before.  I am struggling though with replacement terminology that doesnt lose sight of the image Im trying to create.  Ive changed verse x 3 as suggested, still clock focused but with a nod to those that do it better!  Thank you for your advice, hope its heading in the write direction.  

PS Your comment re my final line made me smile, I hadnt thought of it like that I was thinking of it more in a sense of gifts & parties ..... then again, there are many different types of parties so it could fit!

only if it's extra small  

to the edit. was the one i posted to the original or the edit. if the edit;

for me you went too far claire.
the heart to vascular doesn't work. make a simile out of the line

example;

my heart, an empty wine bottle
wrapped in a paper bag.

the vascular thing feels like a forced example of heart.


the clock stanza for me was better as stopped and the stanza was better maybe another word for stopped.
example, the clock was dead or unconscious or motionless. make it stand out
the part that didn't work for me was silently waiting

the real comment was to  change 'silently waiting' to something that cuts the mustard.
and example;
[put your words or phrase here.]


for me the poem [the one i gave feedback on] had the bones of a good poem, i think the edit weakened said bones.

sorry for the examples , im crap at explaining stuff without them .