09-07-2017, 09:48 PM
actually, we didn't think it needed too much work, it was too old to work with in the first place. try to uproot the cannabis, we thought, and we'd end up losing floors.
two tiny notes:
'in the loft for years' reads like the one line you could trim. not excise completely, just remove either of its two components. it doesn't quite say enough for the amount of words it has, compared to the rest.
'his' bed? i get that in the first stanza, the body is treate as landlord, but then in the second stanza it's also shown to be the apartment building, making for a rather confusing mixed metaphor. i'm alright with the body kicking out the soul, though, as that could easily read as a personification of the body-as-apartment-building, and the narrative doesn't really need a landlord -- perhaps change 'his' to 'this'?
lovely, but also smooth and cool in a i-was-cool-when-you-were-still-an-egg-cell,-and-i'm-still-cool-now kind of way. the poem, not the body. xD
two tiny notes:
'in the loft for years' reads like the one line you could trim. not excise completely, just remove either of its two components. it doesn't quite say enough for the amount of words it has, compared to the rest.
'his' bed? i get that in the first stanza, the body is treate as landlord, but then in the second stanza it's also shown to be the apartment building, making for a rather confusing mixed metaphor. i'm alright with the body kicking out the soul, though, as that could easily read as a personification of the body-as-apartment-building, and the narrative doesn't really need a landlord -- perhaps change 'his' to 'this'?
lovely, but also smooth and cool in a i-was-cool-when-you-were-still-an-egg-cell,-and-i'm-still-cool-now kind of way. the poem, not the body. xD