Version 4: A Self Created Soul

[Todd]

Hi Claire,

So, you mentioned you're trying to write 4 line stanzas. Some of my comments might suggest cuts or changes. I won't attempt to recreate the 4 line stanzas, but I'll just assume that you'll try to do that on your own if you incorporate the changes.

Just written, it was harder than I thought to write something with 4 x lines for each verse!  All comments welcome:


My heart aches,--I would ask you why you'd want to lead with an abstraction. I think this would be much better just cutting aches. 
Wrapped in brown paper
Tied with old fraying string
You can still feel its pain.--technically, feel its pain is a bit abstract and flat. You mostly hear a heart. Perhaps there's something in the sound of it (hollow in the chest, something) that could suggest pain.
 
The pattened tag long since forgotten--I don't think you need since
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blurr, As the tears cried--I've never seen blurr with two r's, is that a regional spelling before I call it a typo? Not fond of the passive voice here.
Steadily flow like a river in Summertime.--The in Summertime is good but tears flowing like a river is cliche.
 
The Clock has stopped,
Silently waiting
To be reintroduced to the day
Its voice unable to share.
 
Breathe cold,
Once rose tinted glass now clear,--Again sort of cliche and leading.
Transparent, filled with fear
That this blank space is all there will ever be.
 
My way lost,
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summers day,--apostrophe needed
A distant memory,
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float.

Just some areas to consider.

Best,

Todd