Revised 2: No Tranquility of the Mind

[Todd]

Hi Claire, Let me give you some comments though on the new revision.

Is this heading more in the right direction?  --I personally think so, yes. Though that's very subjective. Is the poem accomplishing and communicating more of what you want it to? That's probably the more precise question.

General comment: watch and consider how many times you're using "of" constructions.

I return,
Surrounded by stories of dreams of white horses,--stories OF dreams OF white horses. A bit clunky, especially the first part.
Wrapped in excitement,
A child in a sweet shop unable to make a choice,
My silent voice of uncertainty crying out to be heard.
 
The sound of my heart
A drum that beats with no rhythm,--Consider at times simplifying your constructions (just to illustrate): My heart is a drum that beats with no rhythm. 
Watched by a thousand blank faces in an auditorium of expectation,--Not all of's are bad. This one though is the main problem with the construction. Auditorium OF expectation. You are attaching characteristics that are not necessarily earned. It would be better to build the sense of expectation into the scene than simply tagging it onto a noun.    
Where every unanticipated nightmare, every hoped for dream,
Every scream will carry me onward & upward into the clouds of success,--Again clouds OF success
 
But there you stand,
Unable to welcome that which you cannot see,
Sunglasses hide your eyes from the moon,
Cotton wool stuffed into your ears so you cannot hear
The truth, only a dissection of that which you fear is the person I wish you to be.--wordy

A Cannula--great specific word choice
Filled with lies injected into your bloodstream,
Coursing throughout your veins,--probably unnecessary line bloodstream above gets you there.
Tearing into your heart that you are unable to share 
You do not care that your response administers only pain to those that love.--show don't tell here
 
Those that try to understand
Your need to hide in amongst plain sight, in amongst the day to day zombie nation,--these in amongst are a little tough to read next to each other. The content in this strophe to the end is starting to get much more interesting.
The Stepford wives whose lawns are cut in lines,
That we need to follow exactly with precision together
As forever you continue to crave to be a part of this alien community that ceases to care.
 
Every day
The school tests are set, paper torn into matching strips, pens lined exactly
As you check off our dedication, red ink sparsely spread across the page,
Are we able to achieve the grade or will we simply be set free?
As you see that for now, this place will remain the building of broken hearts,

You cannot believe
That as each new life is welcomed into this World we will stand by your side,
That despite the waterfall of uncontrollable emotions that flow
Into the stream of unforgotten expectations
We know that memories in photographs are no just a token
Of what will never be broken, they show this family, this circle of life will always belong.

I don't want to overwhelm with too many comments in this forum. I hope these help. And again, it's a step forward.

A general convention in the forum is to edit your new versions into the first post and then bump the thread stating you've posted a revision. You can hide your previous versions by using pre verse in brackets. If you'd like to see what it looks like check out one of my recent poem threads and you'll see how the constrution works. It will help people not to accidently comment on earlier versions.

Best,

Todd