Revised 2: No Tranquility of the Mind

[ClaireLou]

Hi Claire,

In basic, we tend to share more overall impressions and less line by line. So my main take away from this poem is that you rely on a lot of abstractions and not a lot of imagery. What that leads to is you could probably perform this well but it won't stick with people and be memorable. I can give specific details if you need them, but I'd encourage you to rethink your approach with this one.

Best,

Todd

Is this heading more in the right direction?  

I return,
Surrounded by stories of dreams of white horses,
Wrapped in excitement,
A child in a sweet shop unable to make a choice,
My silent voice of uncertainty crying out to be heard.
 
The sound of my heart
A drum that beats with no rhythm, 
Watched by a thousand blank faces in an auditorium of expectation,   
Where every unanticipated nightmare, every hoped for dream,
Every scream will carry me onward & upward into the clouds of success,
 
But there you stand,
Unable to welcome that which you cannot see,
Sunglasses hide your eyes from the moon,
Cotton wool stuffed into your ears so you cannot hear
The truth, only a dissection of that which you fear is the person I wish you to be.

A Cannula
Filled with lies injected into your bloodstream,
Coursing throughout your veins,
Tearing into your heart that you are unable to share 
You do not care that your response administers only pain to those that love.
 
Those that try to understand
Your need to hide in amongst plain sight, in amongst the day to day zombie nation,
The Stepford wives whose lawns are cut in lines,
That we need to follow exactly with precision together
As forever you continue to crave to be a part of this alien community that ceases to care.
 
Every day
The school tests are set, paper torn into matching strips, pens lined exactly
As you check off our dedication, red ink sparsely spread across the page,
Are we able to achieve the grade or will we simply be set free?
As you see that for now, this place will remain the building of broken hearts,

You cannot believe
That as each new life is welcomed into this World we will stand by your side,
That despite the waterfall of uncontrollable emotions that flow
Into the stream of unforgotten expectations
We know that memories in photographs are no just a token
Of what will never be broken, they show this family, this circle of life will always belong.