Version 2: The Need for Sleep

[alonso ramoran]

Tired of getting old 
Of being told
That age is just in your mind 
Defined
By a constant need for sleep
Naps crying out to be taken
So as to try to reawaken
That lust for life that get up & go 
To show
That really maybe possibly it is all but a number  "really maybe possibly" sounds redundant. Take out a word or two.
A number to a page that we are yet to write
As we fight 
To carry on with each brand new day
And stay away
From those who say that purple is just for the young I like the ending, and like I saw in one of your replies, how it alludes to a poem(?) you've read. Only I didn't catch the allusion until I read your comment; will your audience catch it? This line just made me think that the color purple was symbolic for youth.

For some reason, this reads almost as if it's supposed to be rapped, I think it's because of the short follow-up of lines with another rhyme. This kind of puts this tenseness on the poem that pressures me into reading it fast, which is not good. I want to digest the words you are giving me. Some lines also read incomplete, as if it's missing words, like "Tired of getting old of being told". This should have a comma in between "old" and "of", but even using correct punctuation wouldn't take away from the fact you are missing the words that pull together that phrase, as is the case with many other lines. You have a good concept going for your poem, it just needs to be executed with a better tone and syntax.