08-25-2017, 10:18 PM
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation, ....'during' doesn't fit the metre. I preferred the original 'in', and didn't find it ambiguous.
distractions: ...whether it's 'in', or 'during', sending comfort during distractions is hard to understand. Maybe if you replaced 'distractions' with a more apt word?
His powerful billows ... as a general rule, I think adjectives are best avoided in poetry.
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song...I would avoid the second adjective.
ORIGINAL
True Beauty
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.
Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
This is one of your better works, because the Christianising isn't overt.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe