Draft 3: Pantheon of Three

[Wjames]

Attributing Fantasies 
 
I. Our Birthrights 
Midday's golden glitter seemed This seems like a weak line break to me, I would either bring up "to bless", or drop down "seemed".
to bless our innocence with endless fun; 
of which we spent on lifetimes  "of which" is a little awkward, especially after a semicolon. Maybe just "we spent it on lifetimes"
architecting in our room  I would personally move "a fabulous fortress" before "in our room". I think "a fabulous fortress" should be closer to "fun", as the fortress is it's embodiment, and I don't think the "fabulous, fortress, foundation" consonance is particularly strong.
a fabulous fortress; its foundation  
was a dresser we had built about. Its frame- 
several coloring tables and a leaning ladder. 
 
Assigning what goes where 
or who does what, that if 
the moon and where its milky mists 
were to wet, was a shred contentious, 
then cows would cock-a-doodle  
at a wolf's standing madness. Doesn't make much literal sense to me, but I like it anyways. Fun to read. 
 
    Luckily, the placement of the parapets 
    are what we argued over, on where we'd set I think "are" should be "was", it's in the past.
    bricks of pillows and walls of blankets 
 
It may have taken a lifetime or two, 
but when we came to a consensus 
we would work our whims 
to, where our little Pete, the Canary  I don't think you need the comma after "to".
suggested in his little song, 
set the final piece atop 
what would become our own Cair Paravel;  
 
and just like that- our fingertips 
sent a surge of magic through the ordinary; 
and we asked that bird, in court, 
to be our fair-haired balladeer. 
Before he could reply, our parents 
saw the room a laundry heap I really like these past two stanzas, especially this last line.
 
    and had us clean the mess
    and strip the structure to its frame
    just because they were expecting guests. 
 
It was the slowest process You can find a more interesting way to say this.
as if we felt the time been spent been spent sounds weird to me.
on lifetimes in the afternoon. 
the room was cast in evening light 
as a hollow husk. The dust 
seemed as if the streaming bits  
in its fading dazzle. This sentence doesn't make literal sense to me, and it doesn't have the magic of the earlier ones like it. This whole stanza doesn't do much for me, I think it could be either improved, or cut altogether.
 
Horton left with all his friends 
in exchange for talk of weather over wine. 
And when we talk of weather over wine: 
it is then I bid us not forget 
fantastic things that's taken place "that's" should be "that have"
when boredom silently became 
 
    a mawkish emptiness these days. This is a rather abrupt transition from musing on the wonders of childhood to the emptiness of more grown up like. I kind of like it because I was expecting it to say something like "magic", or "wonder". It feels like it could be an effective transition in to the next part, but it's hard to say because I don't know what's in the next part.



This is part one of a four part poem I'm writing. I'm posting it by sections so each read could be a more digestible one- thus receiving a more effective critique. By doing it this way, I can also focus on bettering one section at a time, as opposed to editing all parts of the poem and not being focused on one, which could make for scattered thoughts and a possible blending of specific themes. Appreciate all feedback given.

I liked a lot of what was here, but some of it could be tightened in my opinion. Thanks for sharing!