08-16-2017, 07:28 AM
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 1st revisionI think this poem suffers from 2 distinct problems
True Beauty
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,
creates distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming whimsy's
softest caricatures;
His handiwork
displays the mystery
of feathers & frond.
His cornered angels
are directed
in the offering of winds
teasing hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white.
He soothes
tormented ears
with auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting His purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
1. abstractions. abstractions rarely offer much to a poem by themselves, they need to be defined through imagery and concrete nouns and verbs. Words like "comfort", tribulations, distraction - these are abstractions. By themselves, they lack any definition.
The poem opens - He sends comfort - This is a weak opening, I never learn who "he" is or why I should care. And waht is this comfort, how does "he" send "comfort". The poetry would be in the specifics and they never arrive. Does he gently hold your bare shoulder as you hang your head in grief? I will never know. Now pretend I used that same explanation for all of the other abstractions.
2. Inconsistent or contradictory imagery - His firmaments daub in powerful billows, forming whimsy's softest caricatures - ???? I can neither imagine this nor relate it properly to the poem.
I think if you work through this carefully with a close eye to eliminating abstractions or grounding them to concrete imagery and resolving your imagery to your central metaphor you will be on your way here.
Good luck.