Edit 2: The Scale in Amenthes

[ellajam]

Pretty dense, it will take me longer to get it but I can start.

The Scale in Amenthes

Does the heart outweigh the plume? I like the opening, although it heralds failure.
Ammit would impatiently assume. Assume what? And weighing is not an assumption, it's definitive.
Sooner they would cut the baggage Who are "they"?
And lose upon a rite of passage
A shoe to wedded birds of feather? I don't get this at all.
But see the wilted stems and golden blooms. Again, got nothing.
It seems you're expecting too much of the reader, certainly of me. A retelling or exploration of a story needs to make sense without knowing the details of the original.

The faces in the observant dark, Is it the dark that's observant?
The Black-eyed Susan’s in an elm wood park.
Those dog days spent where offered umbrage Not a fan of offered umbrage sonically.
And firstly clutch some thistled corsage
The second they would trace a pond. Can't make sense of this.
No more, they can get on fine apart.

Discovered light succeeds the place of absence;
A loosened eye among the glowing masses.
Once would shadows cast a face in doubt
And trudge through shadows drunk and stout
And lumber with a heel or two.
Now all it takes is a little practice

To get to moving feet to quickened drummers
As water skippers in the going summers.
Cicadas’ chirping all around,
And bang the skins till loudest drum astounds.
From the silence of the theatre bursts
Magnificent applause and mummer.

Years to don the robe and the stole;
Somnolent nights in academia’s hold.
Bodies wander and shuffle, and to its effect
Show the shears, at their wake, its binding neglect.
Where the whitewater winds to the sea
A soul piece softly poised in the shoals.

I, for nearing the third decade,
Have dug with shovel and spade
For gems to adorn your finger. But bones
O bones in the soil! Well, what curious light shone
The callused, though careless, finger a-glimmer.
Should then the feather weigh down like a stone

If you've got something to say here I think you could make it less obscure. I don't mean for you to give up on it but to work on each thought and make sure you're making sense. I'll keep trying, but you are not making it easy.