Edit 2: The Scale in Amenthes

[alonso ramoran]

This reads like it was composed on a random word generator.
"What curious light shone the callused, though careless, finger a-glimmer" is grammatically nonsensical, like practically every other line in the poem.

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I'll repeat my earlier advice here - try not to write in a highfalutin poetic style. The poets who did that 200 years ago did so because that's how people spoke back then. Shakespeare sounds convoluted to us, but his jokes were understood by the rabble in the front rows. If you try to write like that, without an actual understanding of grammar as it was back then, you'll end up with a hodgepodge that wouldn't have made sense back then or now. For instance, L2-L4 ends with a question, but it's a mystery as to what the question is.

Considering this for the next one I write. This and Attributing Fantasies I wrote way before coming to this site, and I just wanted to post them to see what type of feedback I'd get. But now that I received some, I see. Thanks for the feedback!