08-10-2017, 11:21 PM
This morning feels exceptional,
each moment feels benign.
The innocence in the atmosphere
foretells of rare magic.
This sets a peaceful scene well and is a hint of what is around as I already seem engaged to see where you go with this, my style of critique is read in bits and do it as I havent read the next piece so my thoughts are for first time readers of it and how my it holds them into the rest of the work.
The sky, the birds, the treetops,
demand musical applause.
I feel an urge to please them,
so I whistle to comply.
Already setting the scenery well as you convey your connection to it while personifying the nature that seems to surround you.
Lost in this melodic trance,
my gaze drifts lazily down.
I let it follow a languid leaf,
as it spirals to the ground.
Very good detail there, it shows your focus to small details to give the reader a visual look at your words.
Rudely, here my eyes are met
with a most incongruous sight..
tearing through my tranquil thoughts,
were massive, jagged claws.
Up until this point you weaved through peaceful scenery and detail then you abruptly bring in the beast you aforementioned in the title. I think a good choice because of the style you went for is a name change of the title so as readers go they feel your imagery and spring the beast as more of a small surprise as you seem to be able to capture the reader with your first few lines.
A mountainous grey and calloused beast,
with rusty daggers for its teeth,
sits in a crouch in a neighbour's lawn,
staring straight at the sun.
Deep lines run 'cross its stone hard face.
These lines speak of violence.
I imagine them filling and swelling with blood,
as sharp teeth pierce its prey.
Its sinuous limbs look merciless,
its tail is crowned with spikes.
Each atom of its countenance
is redolent with spite.
This was some good detail you speak very well of what it looks like, since i haven't read further yet as I described my style of critique
is to add its sounds and how it moves to give the full weight of what your seeing in it.
I am standing still, struck with awe,
wondering at its purpose.
When all at once its head tilts back,
its mouth opens wide.
My head fills with a thousand screams,
I am deafened, I cannot hear my thoughts,
reflexively, I start to run
to escape, or to die trying.
I've counted to a thousand now,
there's still no sign of the creature..
Impatience is getting the better of me,
I want my verdict now!
nice use of verdict in the last line it conveys your conscience is wrestling with itself to move or stay. trying to decide if you going to live or die. Also as a sense of the anxiety a courtroom owes to as a jury decides a defendants fate.
Slowly, carefully, I rise to a stand,
and peak into my street.
The beast still sits the neighbour's lawn,
curled up in a sleep.
You make a small twist on bringing it to your world, at your beginning you never mention the world your in, you just describe it as peaceful until the beast arrives to seek out a prey in you. It leaves the reader wondering what you define as a beast which again i think is a good choice not to reveal referring back to my note on poetry being a powerful way for abstraction and interpretation. well done! >
<
each moment feels benign.
The innocence in the atmosphere
foretells of rare magic.
This sets a peaceful scene well and is a hint of what is around as I already seem engaged to see where you go with this, my style of critique is read in bits and do it as I havent read the next piece so my thoughts are for first time readers of it and how my it holds them into the rest of the work.
The sky, the birds, the treetops,
demand musical applause.
I feel an urge to please them,
so I whistle to comply.
Already setting the scenery well as you convey your connection to it while personifying the nature that seems to surround you.
Lost in this melodic trance,
my gaze drifts lazily down.
I let it follow a languid leaf,
as it spirals to the ground.
Very good detail there, it shows your focus to small details to give the reader a visual look at your words.
Rudely, here my eyes are met
with a most incongruous sight..
tearing through my tranquil thoughts,
were massive, jagged claws.
Up until this point you weaved through peaceful scenery and detail then you abruptly bring in the beast you aforementioned in the title. I think a good choice because of the style you went for is a name change of the title so as readers go they feel your imagery and spring the beast as more of a small surprise as you seem to be able to capture the reader with your first few lines.
A mountainous grey and calloused beast,
with rusty daggers for its teeth,
sits in a crouch in a neighbour's lawn,
staring straight at the sun.
Deep lines run 'cross its stone hard face.
These lines speak of violence.
I imagine them filling and swelling with blood,
as sharp teeth pierce its prey.
Its sinuous limbs look merciless,
its tail is crowned with spikes.
Each atom of its countenance
is redolent with spite.
This was some good detail you speak very well of what it looks like, since i haven't read further yet as I described my style of critique
is to add its sounds and how it moves to give the full weight of what your seeing in it.
I am standing still, struck with awe,
wondering at its purpose.
When all at once its head tilts back,
its mouth opens wide.
My head fills with a thousand screams,
I am deafened, I cannot hear my thoughts,
reflexively, I start to run
to escape, or to die trying.
I've counted to a thousand now,
there's still no sign of the creature..
Impatience is getting the better of me,
I want my verdict now!
nice use of verdict in the last line it conveys your conscience is wrestling with itself to move or stay. trying to decide if you going to live or die. Also as a sense of the anxiety a courtroom owes to as a jury decides a defendants fate.
Slowly, carefully, I rise to a stand,
and peak into my street.
The beast still sits the neighbour's lawn,
curled up in a sleep.
You make a small twist on bringing it to your world, at your beginning you never mention the world your in, you just describe it as peaceful until the beast arrives to seek out a prey in you. It leaves the reader wondering what you define as a beast which again i think is a good choice not to reveal referring back to my note on poetry being a powerful way for abstraction and interpretation. well done! >
<