The Gospel According to George Romero (Revision)
#4
(07-26-2017, 03:42 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hunger brings us back.
Chewing is the way 
of the night flesh.
Worms teach us 
that the mouth
is not for words. Lines in italics could be compressed: "the night flesh" makes "the long night" seem repetitious, even when the latter holds more meaning; and "Worms teach us / that the mouth" interrupts the packed nature of the rest of this section's lines, their most meaningful terms isolated at single ends.
No one sleeps 
the long night.
When we eat your brains, 
we can remember Perhaps remove "can"?
the sunrise and who "and who" emphasizes "who", which only adds a meaningless rhyme. Better to remove "and", then move "who" to the next lines.
we were. Like you, 
we always want
to look back. The goal may be to make zombies more worthy of empathy, but the whole just runs a little cliche, especially as everything else delivers with visceral action. A suggestion is something more palpable, like contrast: "Unlike you, / we look back." That may change the meaning a bit, but I think the previous' lines emphasis on memories of twilight suggest the desire enough.

Overall, strong. 
Reply


Messages In This Thread
RE: The Gospel According to George Romero - by RiverNotch - 07-29-2017, 03:17 PM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!