Ok, Sylvester, I'm Your Penelope

[Todd]

Hi Solstice,

Well, I came a bit late to this one. I haven't read the other reviews and I'll confine my comments to your recent edit.

Edit 1:

We were to the left of the rooftop doorway,--While this does fix the setting in our minds as first lines go it's a bit flat. Perhaps if you blending the "backs to the ledge" part into line one you could increase the tension and the need to read on. 

backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, --the energy starts here.

she pushed me to topple her over the wall, --This is a nice line. It carries the surprise of her actions causing her to fall. Sort of a metaphoric nod to the relationship.

and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,

below the four story building's height.




Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, --A cartoon fall ignoring physics. I like it. It adds a sense of surreal melodrama.

as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away.--The last phrase is a nice add. It again adds a heightened artificial feeling to the moment. It implies certain things about the her of the piece. 

she was very upset with me,

with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.--Nice element with the hair.



She landed, on her floral pattern softness,--love the choices you made in this line. The phrasing works. 

stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 

stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door,--optionally you could repeat "own" before door for structure. Just a thought. 

she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 

as she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers,--newly thieved but still placed reads a bit awkwardly to me. 

she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,--This second phrase feels like it should be on the line below. It slightly detracts from the first phrase.

and peered through her apartment,



and we fought over a morning coffee,--May not need the "a"

of which I couldn't finish, 

though it was Nicaraguan and--Not liking the break on "and"

had hailed from an acquaintance's farm in--Nor am I fond of this break on "in"

that southern continent.



she moved on so quickly, and is deft

when I make fun of her, 

by sticking metaphors in emails, 

right where she knows to look for my nudges of questions, 

without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 

because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.



I liked her things too much.--This is the reason I want to break up the above didn't like her things owning her piece. It needs to stand alone to play off this later line here. 



and she took pictures, 

of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,

on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.--this section holds together well.



and a video of her after she had been crying,





Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me, 


you left me, now go, just go… go.

Enjoyed the read. 

Best,

Todd